Men and women are different. Because we sometimes forget that elemental fact, we hurt one another.

To draw an analogy from nature, butterflies are keenly sensitive, even to the lightest breeze. They alight on flowers without hurting those plants. The buffalo is another story. It is rough and calloused, has no reaction to a breeze. A hurricane won’t even blow him over. Cold doesn’t bother him and he’s unaware of most flowers. He may even step on them.

Now the fact that husbands and wives are as different as butterflies and buffaloes doesn’t make one good and the other bad - just different.

In the animal world, butterflies and buffaloes don’t try to understand one another and adapt to one another’s needs, but in marriage husbands must learn to deal more sensitively with their wives. We learn in 1 Peter 3:7, “Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.”

In an effort to help husbands do a better job of living up to Peter’s divine directive, we observe eight ways husbands often hurt their wives.

By playing the critic. Men, how do you think your wife feels if she is constantly criticized for her appearance, housekeeping skills, mothering or cooking? Sarcastic remarks and excessive joking, especially in the presence of others, isn’t constructive evaluation but merely fault-finding, complaining or worse. Men, as well as women, must learn the proper use of the tongue.

And wives, how do you help him in this regard? Examine yourself to see if there is need for change and don’t judge all his criticism as irrelevant. And when he compliments you, give him some positive reinforcement. And if he shows you appreciation, do the same for him.

Failing to share duties. Too many men assume their entire responsibility to their family involves their job. They don’t see much of a role for themselves in the home itself. And he may see little value in what his wife does all day. He may be tired from his day’s work but doesn’t even imagine she may be exhausted as well.

And while it is wise for each couple to create a workable division of labor, a wise husband will share some of his wife’s chores if for no other reason than to demonstrate that he values what she does.

Consider again our butterfly and buffalo analogy. The Bible backs up this idea when it declares that husbands are to treat their wives as the weaker vessels (1 Peter 3:7).

Wives can assist husbands in understanding this by explaining without complaint the complexity and volume of housekeeping and mothering duties.

By ignoring her ideas and words. Inattentive husbands seem to be a universal complaint of wives. Much of this is a result of the very different ways in which men and women communicate and what they seek to communicate. Men deal largely in communicating information or facts. Women are likely to deal also in feelings or emotions and seek to have others understand both the facts and their reactions to them. Most men, if they aren’t seriously trying to understand their wives, try to filter out everything their wives say except for “facts” they deem necessary for action.

Again, the buffalo must understand the butterfly. Wives can help in this by showing him attention, making him feel valuable and not dumping all the days troubles and thoughts on him the moment he arrives home from work.

By failing to be romantic. It is common for men to stop most of the attentiveness they gave while dating - flowers, letters, hand-holding, kisses and other special attention.

Women need to think back about what attracted him in the first place. Do you still take care of your appearance as you did then? Did you show him more respect then than now?

Both husbands and wives need to deal with past problems, forgive them and move forward. Nothing kills romance like lingering bad feelings.

But fellows, don’t depend on your wife to initiate the romantic. It’s your job as well. You’re supposed to be the leader in your home.

Putting her needs second. It’s a busy world. And husbands can sometimes get too busy for their wives - or leave that appearance. If a man is spending the family income on ball games, hunting, fishing and the like and then tells his wife there isn’t money for her needs, he’s failing to love as he ought. Love thinks of the other person first.

If a husband is behaving like this, he needs a refresher course in what the Apostle Paul taught in Ephesians 5:25-28 about love. Husbands need to love their wives as themselves.

Wives, as much as you enjoy being appreciated, understand your husband needs such even more. To help him put your needs first more often, show him appreciation when he does. It will greatly enhance his willingness to do it again.

Treating her as an inferior. Men must learn to show their wives that their talents and ideas are valuable. Women have many qualities and perceptions that men do not. The fact that the Bible speaks of wives as “weaker vessels” does not imply they are inferior.

Wives need to lovingly draw their husband’s attention to the fact if he is treating her as an inferior. And be sure you aren’t acting in an inferior fashion. Be a fully participating partner in your marriage.

Preferring others before her. Nothing can do damage to a relationship much more quickly than putting others before your wife. Such neglect can deeply hurt a woman. When you married, you left father and mother and committed to be most fully involved with the woman who agreed to become your wife. You have such a relationship with no other person on earth.

Wives, help here by not involving yourself in a lot of independent activities. Marriage is a together relationship. You remember that and help him to as well.

Trying to explain away hurts. When your wife is hurting, she needs understanding. Sometimes she needs a man’s shoulder, not his mouth. Telling her to quit crying because that isn’t how you respond to this situation is fruitless - and somewhat ridiculous. Yes, she is more sensitive than you. But you really don’t want to be married to another “buffalo” like yourself, do you?

And women, don’t hide your feelings but realize that he does have to work at understanding your emotions - because he doesn’t necessarily have the same ones. Explain it to him. He doesn’t instinctively know what you are feeling.

Husbands, it isn’t necessarily easy, but you have a responsibility to learn to know your wife and her needs - and to do your best to meet those needs. Wives, even though your husband seems like the big, insensitive buffalo, don’t ever assume you can’t hurt him. You can - and must seek to avoid such damage just as he must try to avoid hurting you.